One truism of ancient Greek wisdom was profoundly captured in two simple words, “know thyself.” Socrates expanded on the adage with his observation that “the unexamined life is not worth living.” In the scientific literature related to violent behavior in relationships, there is an “I-cubed model” (related to the “perfect storm theory”) which attempts to explain the interplay of three specific influences on the likelihood of aggressive behavior. I think the three “I’s” in the theory have application to other choices we make. They also remind us of the importance of knowing yourself. When we better understand ourselves, we can steer clear of the storm.

The three I’s are: instigating, impelling and inhibiting. First, an instigating trigger happens in a relationship. The instigating incident, whatever it may be, is accompanied by the experience of anger or frustration or irritability. You will likely not have to think long or hard to recall a time, perhaps brought on by fatigue or stress or pressure, when something was said or done that generated aggravation and annoyance. We can all recall those moments when something happened that caused one or both parties to be on edge, but not quite over the edge yet. That is where the other two “I’s” enter the picture.

Let’s go with the perfectly bad storm scenario first. Enter impelling influences. The role of an impelling influence is to quickly accelerate a mildly cloudy day to a full-blown thunder-boomer with darkened skies and jagged lightning. These driving forces that move things from bad to worse may be related to negative past experiences, our general disposition (sour, grouchy, grumpy, demanding, and the other dysfunctional dwarfs whose names I can’t recall), intoxication, or even uncomfortable temperatures or loud surroundings. Whatever the specific impelling forces may be, if left unchecked, they gain momentum and exacerbate the initial incident to a much more serious situation.

Thankfully, there is a third “I” (and interestingly, it is a bit similar to “the third eye” in some spiritual traditions that provides perception beyond ordinary sight). The third “I” in the “I-cubed model” represents inhibiting influences. If impelling influences push the accelerator, moving us quickly toward a painful collision or conclusion, then inhibiting influences help us tap the brake and urge us to slow down, be careful, think about the big picture, and arrive at the destination safely and still together. Inhibiting influences may stem from our deeply held positive values and beliefs, they may reflect our ability to exercise self-control, our satisfaction with the relationship or our commitment to effective problem-solving (sometimes the simplest way to stop a severe storm from brewing is to simply and calmly clear the air).

The “I-cubed” model suggests that if the instigating trigger is strong and the impelling influences are strong and the inhibiting influences are weak, people may find themselves in a place of tempestuous turbulence and perhaps even violent trauma. If, however, the instigating trigger and the impelling influences are weak and the inhibiting influences are strong, then there is a low risk of inappropriate, unhealthy and aggressive behavior.

We’re a few paragraphs away from the opening words of this reflection, but let’s recall the basic admonition again: know yourself. Know what triggers you. Know what aspects of your past or your personality might lead you to want to blow the top off a mountain, though it really was just a molehill. And know yourself so well that you are keenly aware of your deep desire to bring about peace, overriding your impulse to blow someone to pieces. Know yourself so that you can be your best self during the stormy times of life.